“My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known”Søren Kierkegaard
It is at night when her visits are most frequent. It is in the nights when the darkness slips out of its cage, when the vivid red arteries are paved black as the nothingness from whence they came. Thoughts that hide behind the rested days are released as the barriers are broken down. Some will claim that when they have slept well, when they have regained their energy from the previous day, they are their truest self. Were I to believe such a claim, it would be a ludicrous fallacy.
Through rest, I regain my ability to function within the monotony of everyday life, but only at the cost of my selfhood. The mind creates barriers around the darkness and loneliness that hide within, allowing them only enough room so that they may be recognized. But the nights (oh the nights!), these are when the dam shows its cracks. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Then it comes crashing down, and that which it held in captivity bursts forth, flooding the lands, poisoning the fish and the grass and the trees. This is when I am my most authentic self. When the artificial walls are washed away and I am submerged in flowing black waters. I become one with the emptiness within me, one with this spiritual force which in the day jumps from the tower and at night sneaks through the window. No longer does the world tie itself to me. There is only my gloom, my contemplation, and my beckoning bed.
The loneliness provides companionship like no other. As I lay beside an empty spot with an untouched pillow, the darkness pulls up the sheets and curls up beside me. The familiar feeling which wells up in my chest, a culmination of all the hopelessness, fear, and grim solitude within, gives an unparalleled wholeness, a tranquil numbing which provides a comforting certainty amidst the chaos of the universe. It is then, as melancholy overtakes me and as hope takes its leave, that the darkness is neither brutal nor oppressive. Rather, it wraps its gentle arms around me. It is with me. It is within me. It is me. And it brings with it the eternity of lovers.